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Opinion Pieces
April 15, 2005
A Few More Chips Off The Old


By Joe Klock, Sr.

The great American tradition of Spring Cleaning applies to desk drawers as well as to the squalid recesses of the family garage.

Thus it is that we herewith purge our flotsam file of items which fall short of full columnar stature, but resist relegation to the dumpster:

- Sign of the times? A recent list of nominees for "The Greatest American" predictably included Edison, Franklin, Lincoln, Roosevelt and Washington; but how might one account for the inclusion of Tom Cruise, Hugh Hefner, Michael Jackson, Rush Limbaugh, Madonna and "The Donald." And why, then, the snub of Snoop Doggy Dog?

- We send in the clones. In an exercise of mass masochism, we the people endlessly gripe about the failings of government, then send almost all of those accountable for it back to the seats of power. Insanity, they say, is repeating the same dumb mistakes and expecting different results.

- How come most of the male models we see feature facial hair ranging from a 5 o'clock shadow to full Yasser Arafat dirtyface scruff? That sort of bad grooming may appeal to the badvertisers on Madison Avenue, but it fails to pluck the heartstrings of the women I've surveyed, including the one I've been closely allied with for 57 beardless years.

- Economists are people with two extraordinary talents: The abilities to annually forecast coming events and to explain after each year why those events didn't occur as predicted.

- Notable Quote: "Show me a woman who hasn't fantasized about getting into a car and leaving home forever and I'll show you a woman who doesn't drive." (Novelist Susan Sussman)

- Theological query: What do the angels say to God when He/She sneezes?

- "The secret of dealing successfully with a child - any child - is not to be its parent." (Artist/humorist Mel Lazarus, quoted in The Trisler Times - www.nobullselling.com)

- If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does it logically follow that humanitarians eat?

- While it may be true that who and what we are has been substantially influenced by our genes, past environment and experiences, who and what we become is pretty much up to us.

- An interesting fact uncovered by our Research Department: 100% of all the people in history who have supported abortion had already been born.

- Proper definition of the lottery: A cruel and unusual tax on people who are either too poor to pay it or too dumb to figure out the math...or both.

- Just for the helluvit, make clockwise circles with your right foot while sitting down. At the same time, write the number 6 in the air with your right hand. Notice that your foot will change direction. Next, ask yourself why you participated in such a stupid experiment.

- Unless you have a reliable source for prescription drugs in Canada, chances are you can save a bundle on the lotions and potions you need by visiting a Costco store or www.costco.com - and you do NOT have to be a member. Price comparisons are but a few clicks away (except in a handful of states)!

- 'Bout time folks realized that handicapped parking spaces are for truly handicapped people driving or riding in healthy cars...not healthy people in cars with handicapped ID tags. (Especially those cheerleader types in their scanty tennies and health club hunks with bulging thunderthighs!)

- Household Hint: If you wrap celery in aluminum foil before refrigerating, it will keep for weeks (actually years, if you don't mind it turning brown and smelling awful.)

- Health Tip: Bothered with night-time leg cramps? Put an unwrapped bar of bath soap under the bed sheet near your feet. Don't ask us where we heard about this or why it works, but it does. And if, perchance, you don't lose the cramps, you can still use the soap. (If it DOES work, you owe us big-time!)

- Child-proof? How about PEOPLE-proof? There'll be a special place in hell for the inventors of those thick plastic blister packs, undetachable foil backings, form-fitted cellophane wrappers and knuckle-busting caps that defend our medications against intrusion in time of need.

If fast relief is the ultimate goal, fast release would be a step in the right direction.

- Political speech demands, metaphorically, the deft footwork of someone marching behind the elephants in a circus parade.

That's it for now, until our cup of miscellany again runneth over, which (perhaps regrettably) is as sure to transpire as the next sightings of Elvis The Pelvis and the Loch Ness Supersnake.

NOTE TO READERS: Joe’s Opinion Column is published in 178 newspapers nationwide. If you would like to receive Joe’s Opinion Column directly, you may join Joe’s "Kith & Kin" list by sending your name and e-mail address to JoeKlock@aol.com, with "SEND OPINION COLUMNS" in the subject line.

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